Saturday, July 14, 2012

you don't need so much to be so happy.

blogging is a weird thing.  its dark side is voyeuristic, self-important, and shallow.  its bright side is insightful, artistic and friendly.  i see blogging as a way to pour your insides out and share something with the world.  i stopped blogging because i was tired of sharing.  i wasn't sharing that much but i couldn't handle the idea of sharing more of my insides.  it's hard to put yourself on display and know that others will judge you.  it's easier to hide.  from here on out, this blog is a way for me to share my insides. my insides are mostly composed of recipes, fashion, makeup, politics, love, life and generally exploring the world so if you like those things, keep reading.

my last big post was hello 2011 and i hid for all of that year.  the entire year went to waste.  i was wrapped up in darkness and was barely hanging on.  my law firm job offer was revoked, i wasn't happy with my living situation, i was so far away from my closest friend and my family.  i felt like no one knew me and i didn't know what i wanted.   i had no direction and very little support.  i was lucky enough to have friends who cared for me but i felt like that's all i had.  life was bleak.

i was brutally snapped back into life on new year's day 2012.  my best friend suddenly lost her life.  i lost the person i've been the closest with in my life.  the sadness is gut wrenching and i won't bother trying to explain how awful it is.  i knew i could let this be the tipping point for me to completely give up on life, or it could be the moment when i stopped being dead and started living again.  it's sad it took the greatest loss i've ever experienced to remind me that i have to live.  THIS IS PRIME TIME. this is our one life and it's all we have.

i sold everything i could and packed my little car to the brim and moved closer to my family.  i tried to take every pleasure life could give me.  i wanted love, connection and happiness.  i felt like moving closer to my family would provide that connection for which i'd been longing.  i spent time with my family and tried to heal myself.  i tried to channel esme every chance i could.  her excitement, pure heart and energy!  but my heart still aches and i feel like i'm only beginning to understand the depth of my loss. 

i'm still swimming! 

life is so tricky.  in one year i have experienced the greatest loss and the greatest happiness.  really, the most amazing thing happened.  i met someone amazing and fell over the top in love.  it changed my life.  after a few months i decided to move away from arkansas and to kansas city.  i'm this close to being on my feet again!  in a few days i take the missouri bar exam and i'm happier than ever.  my heart is simultaneously filled with love and sadness.  i miss my best friend but i love harder than ever.

loss inspired me to try harder at making life worth living. things are about to get really good.